


Forget Me Not

by asroarke



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/M, Guilt, POV Bellamy, Post-Season/Series 04, Reunion Fic, Sorry Not Sorry, although there is no way this is what happens, ok a little bit sorry, season 5 speculation, starts a few days after the end of 4x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 08:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13337388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asroarke/pseuds/asroarke
Summary: “Am I Clarke?” Clarke asked, and Bellamy’s fear was confirmed. Clarke didn’t remember them. She didn’t recognize any of them, not even Madi. She didn’t even know that she was Clarke. He could feel Madi tugging nervously on his sleeve, and he turned to look at her scared face.“It’s called amnesia,” Bellamy whispered, and Madi’s head tilted in confusion. “Sometimes when people hit their head really hard they lose their memories.”Post Season Four reunion fic where Bellamy finally finds Clarke... but she doesn't remember who he is.





	Forget Me Not

**Author's Note:**

> Be gentle with me. This is my first stab at canonverse. 
> 
> So, some of you guys have been asking me to try to bang out a canonverse Bellamy POV... and well, here it is. I was real angsty after getting the premiere date, then my drunk self asked, "what was the worst thing the writers could do to make me cry?" And I came up with this, wrote a note for sober me about it, hungover me had a good cry, and a much more together me wrote it all down while crying. It's been a journey. 
> 
> Sorry for the pain. Bellamy gonna me a mess. Clarke a mess too. Everybody a mess. Enjoy!

Harper was furiously dabbing at his cheek, and Bellamy was getting impatient.

“It looks worse than it is,” he huffed, and Harper raised an eyebrow at him before dabbing a little harder, and Bellamy winced at the sharp pain. “We don’t have time for this.”

“We’re waiting on Raven anyway,” Harper replied, rolling her eyes as she moved away from him. Bellamy glanced over at Raven and Monty, who were still fiddling with the radio they found.

“We need to get going before those guards wake up,” Bellamy reminded them, but Raven waved them off. He knew they had time before the Eligius guards were conscious again… they had timed their rescue correctly. But Bellamy wanted to get the hell out of here before anything _else_ went wrong.

“You’ll have to pry that radio out of Raven’s cold dead hands,” Murphy teased, and Bellamy chuckled slightly.

“I’ve made the mistake of taking a radio from Raven before. Not making that mistake twice,” Bellamy replied, thinking back to all those years ago when they were just kids crashing onto this planet without a clue what to do.

Then, there was a loud buffering of static and everyone turned to look at Raven.

“Could that be the bunker?” Bellamy asked, stepping toward her. Every second they had been back on this planet without getting in contact with them was starting to get to him. He left two people behind on earth six years ago that he missed too much, and he desperately wanted to hear from the one that survived. Bellamy knew his sister would make it out okay, of course. She was tough as hell and it would take a lot more than six years in that bunker to break her. But a confirmation would be nice.

The static broke through again, and everyone crowded around Raven who was fidgeting with the radio again.

“Bellamy, I’m not sure if you can hear me,” a familiar voice on the radio sighed, and Bellamy nearly passed out. _Clarke_. She was alive. The girl he left behind to die… lived. “It’s been 2,203 days since Praimfaya. I have no idea if you have heard anything I’ve said, but make sure to be careful where you guys land. There’s someone else who landed a ship here.”

“No duh,” Murphy groaned, before Emori smacked his arm. Raven finally glanced up at Bellamy with wide eyes, clearly as stunned as he was to hear Clarke’s voice again after all these years.

“I don’t know what they want. I took the rover with Madi and made a run for it,” Clarke continued, and Bellamy shot a confused look to Raven. Who was Madi?

“Uh, head’s up, they’re waking up,” Echo said as she sprinted back into the room. Bellamy’s stomach dropped. They couldn’t leave yet, not until they figured out where Clarke was.

“We have to go,” Monty announced with a concerned look on his face. Murphy started tugging Bellamy by the arm as they all made their way to the door. He glanced back at Raven who had an apologetic look on her face.

“We’ll get our hands on another radio somehow,” Raven reassured, and Bellamy bit down on his lip. They had to go. He knew that. They couldn’t help anyone if they got trapped on this ship. “But we’ll get to Clarke.”

 

They made camp several miles outside of where the Eligius ship had landed. Bellamy was still struggling to realize that he was actually back on earth… especially since none of these woods looked familiar to him anymore. Logically, he knew that Praimfaya would take its toll on the planet… but seeing it was something else altogether.

“A decision needs to be made,” Raven whispered as she walked up from behind him. The others were still gathered around by the fire, recovering from their close call this morning.

“We have to find Clarke,” Bellamy snapped, not even turning to look at her. “Clarke probably knows something about the bunker and she can help us open it,” he explained, leaving the real reason unspoken. It wasn’t like he needed to verbalize this to Raven, anyway. All of them had witnessed how Bellamy handled Clarke’s death over the six years. Each one of them had found him on separate occasions in Clarke’s old cell. Murphy had caught Bellamy talking to her while sitting at the window. They all _knew_ how desperately Bellamy needed her to still be alive. And now she was.

“Then, we need to hurry,” Raven replied, and Bellamy turned to look at her, noticing how her brow was creased with concern. “Clarke has clearly radioed us before, even if we didn’t hear her.”

“Which means the mining ship could have been hearing her this whole time,” Bellamy realized, before biting down on his bottom lip.

“No, I mean they might be able to find her,” Raven explained, and his jaw clenched. “Look, there’s only so many places she could be. We could still find her first.”

 

On their third day of scavenging the new terrain, Bellamy was starting to lose his mind. His mind kept flashing back to that conversation back at Becca’s lab, how Clarke basically said goodbye to him. It was the memory that haunted him the most in those six years. There was so much he should have said and would now never have the chance to… or at least, so he thought. Maybe he could finally tell her what he wanted to say.

Echo and Emori were doing their best guiding them, although even they were having a hard time figuring out where exactly they were. Too much had changed in six years.

“Is that the rover?” Monty asked, and Bellamy’s head whipped around to see where he was pointing. And sure enough, there was the rover just a couple hundred yards ahead of them.

“Thank god. I’m sick of walking already,” Murphy huffed, and Bellamy threw his head back.

“No, you idiot. That means Clarke is close,” Bellamy snapped.

“God, Clarke, show your face already so Bellamy stops being a dick,” Murphy groaned loudly, before Echo slapped her hand over his mouth.

“We are trying to not get re-abducted by the mining company, remember?” Monty explained, and realization spread across Murphy’s face. Bellamy didn’t stick around to listen to the rest of the conversation, however. He was too busy jogging over to the rover.

Inside the rover were blankets, guns, rations, a notebook with a worn-down spine, and a few pieces of clothing. Nothing in there specifically pointed to it being Clarke who was using it, but she would have known where to find it. And maybe some of these things belonged to the Madi person Clarke mentioned briefly over the radio.

Then, Bellamy heard a terrifying noise he had never wanted to hear again: a gun shot.

Bellamy turned around quickly, seeing the panicked look on the other’s faces.

“Bellamy, don’t do what I think you’re about to do,” Murphy shouted, as Bellamy looked back at the guns in the rover. A gunshot meant there was someone else out there, someone who wanted to hurt someone else. Clarke could be hurt or in danger.

Any hesitation he had went out the window as soon as he heard the second gun shot ripple through the air.

“Bellamy!” Raven shouted, but he already had a gun in his hand and he was sprinting in the direction of the sound. Bellamy was running past the trees, surveying the landscape for any sign of another person, yet finding none.

Minutes of searching went by before Bellamy found a body. It wasn’t Clarke’s. It was one of the Eligius guards. He let out a sigh of relief. But the relief he felt didn’t last long. After all, he heard _two_ gun shots.

Before he could turn around to keep looking, he heard a clicking noise.

“Put your gun on the ground,” a small voice nearly whispered, and Bellamy furrowed his brows in confusion. It sounded like a child. He turned his head slowly, seeing a young girl with dark hair and brown eyes aiming a gun at him. “On the ground,” she ordered, gesturing to his gun.

Slowly, he bent down, keeping his eyes fixed on the young girl. She wasn’t dressed like anyone on the Eligius ship. Then, he remembered that Clarke had mentioned being with someone else. “Madi?” he asked, and her eyes widened.

“How do you know my name?” she asked, and Bellamy swallowed. This was the girl Clarke mentioned… which meant she was here somewhere.

“Oh my God!” he heard Raven shout, and Madi turned around rapidly, fingers right on the trigger.

“Hey, we know Clarke,” Bellamy reassured, and Madi’s shoulders relaxed. “We used to live here on earth with her.”

“Bellamy!” he heard Harper shout, and finally he saw where their voices were coming from. They were about twenty yards away, gathering around in a huddle. He made brief eye contact with Murphy who had a pained look on his face. _No_.

“He shot her,” Madi whispered, and Bellamy started sprinting over to them. He shoved Murphy out of the way, trying to see what happened.

And there she was, unconscious against a tree with a bullet wound in her shoulder.

“Is there an exit wound?” Monty asked, as Harper pushed Clarke off the tree slightly, before shaking her head.

He felt someone’s hand on his shoulder, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Clarke to see who was trying to comfort him. Her hair was shorter now, and she was a lot leaner than she used to be… but this was _his_ Clarke, alright. She survived Praimfaya, somehow.

 _Only to get shot_.

“She still has a pulse,” Raven whispered, and Bellamy finally looked up to see Raven’s nervous expression.

“Can we save her?” he asked, pleading for the answer he needed. They couldn’t lose Clarke. He couldn’t lose Clarke, not when he just found her again.

“We’re gonna try,” Harper reassured.

 

Despite everyone’s efforts, Bellamy couldn’t sleep. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep until he knew if Clarke was going to recover or not, and she hadn’t even woken up yet. So, he agreed to take watch while most of the others slept.

“She talked about you a lot,” Madi whispered suddenly, causing Bellamy to jump. He had thought she had fallen asleep hours ago. “She would tell me stories about the Dropship days.”

Bellamy threw his head back, remembering a very brave princess challenging him. He couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

“How did you survive Praimfaya?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m a natblida, like her,” Madi replied. “She found me a few years ago.”

“Where have you guys been living?”

“Not far from here if we use the rover. I can show you tomorrow,” Madi replied, and his eyes drifted over toward where Clarke was lying. Harper had gotten up again to check on Clarke, and she had a curious look on her face.

“Is everything okay?” Bellamy asked nervously, already getting up to walk over to them.

“Shh, I think she’s stirring,” Harper whispered, and Bellamy kneeled down beside Clarke. Madi was at his side excitedly, scooting as close to Clarke as she could.

Bellamy held his breath, watching Clarke sleepily adjust herself. She was finally waking up. After six years of thinking he left her to die here, he was finally going to see those blue eyes of hers again.

Her eyes slowly blinked open as her brows furrowed. When she tried to move, she winced in pain.

“Clarke, you were shot,” Harper whispered, and Bellamy could see Clarke struggle to make sense of that sentence. One of the concerns Monty had was that Clarke also hit her head pretty hard after getting shot, resulting in the nasty bump on the top of her head. He could only imagine the kind of splitting headache she was dealing with as she woke up.

“Nomon,” Madi whispered, and Clarke’s eyes flickered to Madi… but she didn’t seem to relax. If anything, she seemed more rattled.

“Clarke,” Bellamy said, and her eyes shot to him. She narrowed her eyes, looking like she had a question. “Hey,” he reassured, brushing a strand of hair out of her face, “everything is okay. Raven, Monty, Murphy, Emori, and Echo are here too. We’re all okay.”

“Who?” Clarke asked, and Bellamy’s eyes shot up to Harper who had a panicked look on her face.

“You know who they are. Remember, we came back down from the Ring, Clarke?” Harper said as calmly as she could.

“Am I Clarke?” Clarke asked, and Bellamy’s fear was confirmed. Clarke didn’t remember them. She didn’t recognize any of them, not even Madi. She didn’t even know that _she_ was Clarke. He could feel Madi tugging nervously on his sleeve, and he turned to look at her scared face.

“It’s called amnesia,” Bellamy whispered, and Madi’s head tilted in confusion. “Sometimes when people hit their head really hard they lose their memories.”

“But she can get them back, right?” Madi asked, and Bellamy glanced back down at Clarke who was on the verge of tears. He slid closer to her, taking her hand in his.

“I think so, but I don’t know how long that will take,” Harper explained, and Clarke squeezed Bellamy’s hand tightly.

“What is going on?” Clarke asked him, her eyes welling up with tears.

“Hey, everything is okay,” Bellamy reassured, squeezing her hand back. “You can trust us. We are your friends. We won’t let anything happen to you.”

“I’m getting Monty,” Harper said, jumping up from beside Clarke to run over to the fire. But Clarke’s confused eyes didn’t leave Bellamy’s.

“My name is Bellamy,” he whispered, but the questioning look didn’t leave her face. “A long time ago, you and I used to be…”

He froze for a moment, not sure how to explain what exactly they were to each other. His stomach dropped, thinking over all the shared history between them that was just gone now. He would have to help her remember all of it, explain some of the horrible things they had to do to survive. _He would have to tell her that he left her behind_.

“He was your best friend,” Madi jumped in, and Bellamy clenched his eyes shut. It was finally sinking in for him.

Clarke didn’t remember him. She didn’t remember any of them. Bellamy spent six years mourning her, devastated that he had to leave her behind. He hadn’t even held out hope that the nightblood solution worked, had shot Emori down every time she even suggested it because he couldn’t handle having hope only to find out she had died.

But here she was, alive and mostly well if he ignored the bullet wound in her shoulder. He finally had Clarke back. But she had no idea who he was. And she might not ever remember.

She might not ever remember what all they had been through together. She might not ever remember what they were, or what they could have been.

 

On the drive to where Madi and Clarke had been staying, he could hear his friends in the back talking to Clarke, bringing up memories that might jog her memory. He could feel Monty staring nervously at him, almost waiting for Bellamy to break. But Bellamy kept his eyes on the road, looking for the sign that Madi told him about.

“Maybe if you shaved the beard, she’d recognize you,” Murphy teased from right behind Bellamy.

“Monty, slap Murphy for me,” Bellamy groaned, and Monty reached into the back to smack Murphy. “I thought we agreed the beard looked okay, anyway.”

“I’m team beard if we’re taking another vote,” Emori shouted from the back, and Bellamy started chuckling.

“Oh, and there was that night at camp where everyone got really messed up on those jobi nuts,” Raven said with a laugh, and Bellamy furrowed his brows. He was pretty sure he wasn’t at camp for that incident, but he remembered hearing about it.

“Don’t think Clarke was there for that one,” Monty shouted into the back.

“How would you know? You and Jasper were the most messed up out of all of us,” Raven snapped.

“We were not,” Monty huffed, sitting back down in the passenger seat. It was nice to be at a point where they could mention Jasper again, although the pang in Bellamy’s chest was always there at the mention of his name. He knew Monty was the same way.

He listened carefully as Raven described the night, but Bellamy was struggling to remember where he was that night. He should have been at camp… he was hardly ever away from camp at night during the Dropship days. There was only one night that jumped to mind… a night where he was also high on jobi nuts.

“Raven, Clarke won’t remember that night because she wasn’t there,” he realized, shouting into the back.

“Of course, she was there. Where else would she have been?” Raven asked, scrambling toward the front of the rover.

“Remember when Clarke and I first brought guns to camp? We were getting them that night,” Bellamy explained, leaving out that this was the night he was ready to run, and Clarke was the one to convince him to stay.

“Wait, was that the night you taught her how to shoot?” he heard Madi ask excitedly, and a smile formed on Bellamy’s lips as he glanced back to see Madi snuggled up into Clarke’s side.

“Yeah,” he replied, smirking because of course Clarke told Madi about that. From what Madi had told Bellamy, Clarke spared very few details in her storytelling over the years.

“Okay, I’ll tell you this one,” Madi said in a hushed voice, and Bellamy pressed his lips together. “This was back when you and Bellamy weren’t really friends.”

Then, Murphy erupted into laughter.

“Monty, slap Murphy again for me,” Bellamy groaned.

 

Bellamy was taking another lap around the little home Clarke had been staying in, making sure there was no sign of Eligius people lurking in the woods. Monty and Murphy had gone out to grab some more firewood, while Echo and Emori got to work on food. When he headed back toward the house, Raven and Harper were out front fiddling with Clarke’s radio.  

He took a deep breath before walking back inside.

It wasn’t that he was _avoiding_ Clarke. It’s that he had no idea what to talk to her about. Everyone else had very distinct, simple memories to share with Clarke. But Bellamy and Clarke’s shared memories weren’t simple. Most of them weren’t pretty or happy.

Bellamy had spent six years recovering from everyone they had lost on the ground. He wasn’t sure he could handle bringing up any of those memories again. He saw how Raven’s jaw twitched when Monty mentioned Finn in one of the stories. She probably feared that she would have to tell Clarke what happened to Finn, about how Clarke was the one to mercy kill him. He noticed the guilty look on Murphy’s face when Harper mentioned Wells. No one wanted to be the one to tell Clarke what happened to her best friend.

Bellamy didn’t want to tell her that he had no idea if the rest of their people were okay. He didn’t want to tell her that he didn’t know if her mother was alive. He didn’t want to tell her that her father was executed. He didn’t want to tell her about Jasper. He didn’t want to tell her about Lexa. He didn’t want to tell her about what they had to do in Mt. Weather.

But someone had to… and that someone was him.

“Okay, and here are some of the drawings you did so I could recognize your friends,” he heard Madi say, and Bellamy quietly walked over to a cramped room with a small cot in the corner. Clarke was propped up with a fresh bandage on her shoulder. He could see her struggle to keep her eyes open as Madi talked.

“I like to draw,” Clarke realized, and Bellamy clenched his jaw. She didn’t even remember _that_.

“Right, and this one is your nomon,” Madi said, pointing to the page eagerly.

“Madi, I’m sorry, but I don’t recognize any of these,” Clarke sighed, defeated. Bellamy’s chest ached at the sight… she was trying so hard to remember. He could see the frustration dance across her features.

“Okay, but what about this one?” Madi asked, flipping the page.

“That’s Bellamy,” Clarke groaned, and Bellamy’s head perked up.

“So, you do remember him?” Madi asked.

“From last night and from the rover, yes. But nothing more than that,” Clarke said apologetically, and Madi slammed the notebook shut.

“I thought if you’d remember anyone it would be him,” Madi whispered sadly, and Bellamy clenched his eyes shut. He could only imagine how hard this was for Madi. Clarke had been the only person here to take care of her for all these years, and now Clarke couldn’t even remember her. And he could see how heartbroken Madi was over it.

“He was my best friend, right?” Clarke asked, and Bellamy turned around to give them some privacy. He didn’t want to be caught eavesdropping anyway.

“Yeah, you love him, remember? You radioed him every single day,” Madi replied, and Bellamy felt like he was going to collapse.

He rushed out of the house, throwing his hands above his head as he tried to take a deep breath. But his breathing became shallow as the tears starting streaming down his face.

“Bellamy,” Raven shouted, and Harper started jogging up to him as Raven followed after her as quickly as she could manage.

“Hey, take a breath,” Harper whispered, and Bellamy looked up at the sky.

“What happened? Is Clarke okay?” Raven asked, and Bellamy shook his head.

“She doesn’t remember me,” was all he could get out in between shallow breaths.

“Bellamy, we have to be patient. Her memories will probably come back. This is just temporary,” Harper reassured, and Bellamy started shaking his head rapidly.

“I left her behind, and when I found her again, she didn’t remember me,” he murmured, forcing himself to look back down at their concerned faces.

“She doesn’t remember any of us. She doesn’t even remember Madi, who is basically her daughter,” Raven tried to reassure, but she didn’t get it. She couldn’t get it. “You mean the world to Clarke. She will remember you,” Raven said sternly, and Bellamy really wanted to believe that. But it didn’t make any of this easier.

“I love her, and she doesn’t know who I am,” he broke down, leaning forward to bury his face into Raven’s shoulder.

 

After two days of no progress, Bellamy practically jumped at the opportunity to drive over to the bunker. He needed to do _something_ , and he wasn’t accomplishing anything sitting around waiting for Clarke to remember who she was.

Madi had tried to explain to them that there was too much rubble covering the bunker, so he should have been more prepared for the sight in front of him. But there was no way in hell they could dig them out, not without help.

They drove back in defeated silence, not wanting to speak about what they would have to do to open up that bunker. They were all terrified of the Eligius group and had no real way of knowing if they would even be willing to help.

 _Clarke would probably come up with a strategy for negotiating with them,_ he thought, before remembering that Clarke wasn’t really _Clarke_. She was recovering from a bullet wound and a concussion, unable to remember her own birthday.

When they got back to the house, everyone else was fast asleep. Raven and Echo immediately started getting ready for sleep, and Bellamy peered into Clarke’s room to check on her. Madi was curled up into Clarke’s side, fast asleep, but Clarke was awake.

“Hey,” she whispered as soon as she spotted him, and Bellamy quietly closed the door behind him. “How is the bunker?”

“Buried in rubble, like Madi said,” Bellamy sighed, as Clarke sat herself up, wincing slightly as she did. “Your shoulder okay?”

“Oh, it’s just great,” Clarke said with a forced smile. “Or were you referring to the one that got shot?” Bellamy burst out in an unexpected chuckle before remembering that everyone else was trying to sleep.

“So, uh, did you remember anything while we were—”

“No,” Clarke interrupted, and Bellamy pressed his lips together. He wasn’t surprised, of course. But he had been hopeful for just a moment. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Bellamy replied, ducking his head.

“Bellamy, can I ask you something?” And his stomach dropped. But he nodded.

“Anything,” he replied, sitting down on the edge of her bed. He glanced over to see if Madi was still asleep, and she was out like a light.

“What were we?”

His eyes flickered up to hers, seeing the earnest confusion behind the question. After all, she probably asked everyone else this question first and was struggling to make sense of their answers. He heard Madi tell her that she loved him, that she would try to contact him every day during those six years. If she asked Murphy, he’d probably make a joke about them being basically married. Monty and Raven would probably dance around the question, emphasizing what great co-leaders they made.

“I don’t have a simple answer to that question,” he apologized, and Clarke tilted her head slightly. “It’s just… you and I went through a lot together, and not all of it was pleasant.”

“Oh,” Clarke whispered, but he could still see a question on her face. She opened her mouth to say something, but quickly shut it, shaking her head slightly.

Bellamy let out a sigh. He was beginning to feel the exhaustion from the day set in, and he knew he couldn’t keep his eyes open much longer.

“Bellamy,” Clarke whispered, and he glanced back at her. He could see she was itching to ask him something, which made him nervous. There were so many questions she could have that he wished he didn’t have to answer.

“Yeah?”

“Did we…” she started, before biting her lip. “Did we love each other?”

He swallowed, looking down at his hands. “We never actually said those words to each other,” he confessed regretfully.

If he had _known_ he was looking at six years without her, six years of thinking she was dead, he would have made sure she _knew_. But they were supposed to have six years of time. Those six years didn’t seem so miserable when it was going to be both of them up in space, taking care of each other, getting a few moments of peace after all the _hell_ they had been through.

He would have told her. He should have told her. But instead, he had to find a way to explain what actually happened between them.

“Oh,” was all Clarke said, and he jerked his head up to look at her defeated face.

“That doesn’t mean we didn’t,” he corrected, and Clarke’s forehead scrunched up in confusion. “Clarke, I loved you, even if I didn’t say it,” he confessed, and a small weight lifted off his chest.

“Did I love you?” she asked, and he could barely make out how she started to tear up. Bellamy slid closer to her, leaning forward to push a tear off her cheek.

“I think so,” Bellamy replied, giving her a reassuring smile. Then, she broke into a sob, and Bellamy wrapped his arms around her. He glanced over at Madi, who was starting to stir.

“I just want to remember you,” she sobbed into his shirt, and he tightened his grip around her.

“Shh, it’s okay. You will remember me,” he whispered right into her ear, rocking her gently. Madi sat up, rubbing her eyes. “You’ll remember all of us and everything will be okay. We’ll do whatever we can to help you get there. I promise.”

He held her there for a few moments as she calmed down. Madi had laid back down, starting to doze off again. “Hey, I think you’ll feel better if you get some sleep,” he whispered, and Clarke pulled her head up, shooting him a sad look.

“Okay,” she gave in, wiping away some of her tears. Bellamy stood up as Clarke lied down. “Wait,” she said, and he turned around to look at her. “Will you stay?”

Bellamy blinked a few times, unsure if he just heard her correctly. But her eyes were pleading with him, which made his entire chest ache. “Clarke,” he sighed.

“Please,” she pleaded, and Bellamy was already leaning down to tug off his boots. Like he was ever going to say no when Clarke begged like that… like he would _ever_ pass up an opportunity to stay close to her after being torn apart from her for six horrible years.

Clarke slid over to the other side of the cot, adjusting Madi so there was room for Bellamy. He put his jacket with his boots, before crawling into bed beside her. It was a tight squeeze, and Bellamy had to lay on his side so they could all fit.

“Good night, Clarke,” he whispered, watching her eyes flutter close.

“Good night, Bellamy,” she whispered back, turning her head toward him. He reached forward, pushing back the hair that had fallen into her face. The ghost of a smile appeared on Clarke’s lips, and Bellamy closed his eyes too.

 

Murphy and Bellamy didn’t have much luck gathering food. Madi was right about the scarcity of food, and it probably wasn’t any easier now that there were nine people to feed instead of just the two of them. Still, they found _enough_.

When he got back to the house, Clarke was out of bed.

“You’re supposed to be resting,” Bellamy reminded her, before shooting a glare at Echo… whose only job while they were gone was to make sure Clarke stayed in bed.

“I’ve been resting,” Clarke huffed, and Bellamy crossed his arms.

“You were shot. You have a concussion. You need to rest,” Bellamy replied, seeing Echo slowly creep toward the front door out of the corner of his eye.

“Okay, I was shot in the shoulder,” Clarke argued, and there was something so familiar about how she was squaring up with him… just like the old Clarke. “There is literally nothing wrong with my legs and I was tired of lying in bed all day.”

“Hey, Clarke, did you finish—” Raven said as she walked in, before stopping in her tracks when she saw Bellamy. He clenched his jaw… because _of course_ Clarke was already back to work, despite her injuries. And the others were enabling her. “She’s not doing anything strenuous,” Raven defended herself.

“She’s not supposed to be doing anything at all,” Bellamy snapped.

“I am right here!” Clarke groaned, stepping toward Bellamy with that defiant look in her eyes. “I asked if I could help. I’m tired of being propped up in bed all day having everyone come check up on me with that sad look they give me when they realize I still haven’t remembered anything.”

“Clarke…”

“Don’t even try to tell me to go back to bed. I’m fine,” she huffed, glaring up at him with creased brows. With her memories or not, Clarke would always be stubborn. And Bellamy knew he wasn’t going to win this fight, especially not when everyone else seemed to be on Clarke’s side. Eventually, she would get too tired to keep working, and then she’d give in and get rest.

“Have it your way, princess,” he grumbled, before moving toward Raven with an annoyed look on his face.

“What did you just say?” Clarke asked, and he whipped his head around to look at her. That old nickname slipped off his lips without him even thinking twice about it. Bellamy should have known that would confuse her.

“It’s a nickname we used to call you back at the—”

“Yeah, I know,” Clarke interrupted, and Bellamy exchanged a glance with Raven… seeing a glimmer of hope spark in Raven’s eyes.

“Did one of the others tell you about that?” Bellamy had to ask, terrified to get his hopes up when Murphy very easily could have let the nickname slip or Madi could have told her about it during her retellings of the stories that Clarke had shared with her over the years.

Clarke furrowed her brows, thinking that over. Bellamy held his breath, watching Clarke struggle to remember how exactly she knew about that nickname. “I don’t think so,” she whispered, before her eyes flickered up to Bellamy’s in confusion. “But, you used to call me that a lot, right?”

“Yeah,” Bellamy grinned, “a very long time ago.”

Her eyes shifted to Raven, clearly still confused. “Clarke, you remembered something,” Raven explained, and Clarke’s eyes widened.

“Really?” she asked with a wide grin, and Bellamy let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. _Clarke remembered him_.

Sure, it was only for a brief moment and it wasn’t specifically him she remembered, just the nickname. But she remembered that it was what he called her.

It wasn’t everything. But it was a start.

 

Their second run-in with the Eligius people wasn’t as hostile as the first. Granted, this time around Bellamy, Raven, Echo, and Monty were actively seeking them out and were also armed. There was a bit more room for negotiation now that none of them were prisoners.

The four of them drove back to camp in silence, each contemplating if they should even trust the Eligius group to help them with the bunker. Bellamy still didn’t trust them, for good reason. But he wasn’t sure they had a choice. Raven and Monty couldn’t figure out another way to remove all that rubble from the bunker. And he had no idea how long they had to come up with a solution before it would be too late. Their people were only supposed to be in that bunker for five years. They were likely running out of food if they hadn’t already.

Bellamy wanted to believe that the peace Octavia had pushed for would work… but peace and survival rarely went together easily. They had to get them out of the bunker, no matter what it took. It was the only choice.

 _Only choice, also an oxymoron, by the way_.

Bellamy sucked in a breath, Clarke’s words from all those years ago echoing in his head.

He shook his head, forcing his thoughts back on the matter at hand. There was also an issue of what these people would get out of opening up the bunker. Bellamy tried asking them that before Raven cut him off, explaining the various ways they could help the Eligius group adjust to life on the ground.

“We can take some time to think about it,” Monty whispered, clearly reading Bellamy’s mind.

“We don’t have time,” Bellamy reminded him, and Monty sank back into his seat.

By the time they made it back to camp, it was dark. Murphy and Madi were sitting in the main room, rummaging through bullets, while Emori and Harper were discussing something in the corner.

“Where’s Clarke?” Bellamy asked, noticing how Madi looked to Murphy to answer the question. Murphy whispered something to Madi, before standing up and walking over to them, tucking his hands in his pockets as he looked down at the ground.

“So, uh, she’s been getting a lot of memories back today,” Murphy said with a pained look on his face.

“That’s good, right?” Monty asked, but Bellamy kept his eyes trained on Murphy who seemed to be struggling with an explanation.

“I mean, yeah. She’s remembered a lot of stuff from the past six years, a lot of stuff with Madi…” Murphy started, and Bellamy swallowed.

“She remembered something else too, didn’t she?” Bellamy asked, and Murphy pressed his lips together before nodding.

“She remembered her dad… and Wells,” Murphy whispered, and Bellamy clenched his jaw. If she remembered them, she probably also remembered what happened to them. He rushed over to the bedroom, slowly pushing her door open.

Clarke was turned onto her side, facing away from the door. He quietly shut the door behind him. “Clarke,” he whispered, and her head popped up. She turned to face him, and her cheeks were tearstained. “Hey, it’s okay,” he reassured, sitting down on the bed beside her.

She sat up, wiping away her tears with her sleeve. “How did it go?” she sniffled out, her voice small.

“We can talk about that later,” Bellamy said as he pulled Clarke into his chest. “Murphy told me what you remembered,” he whispered, as Clarke buried her face into his shirt.

Clarke mumbled something he couldn’t make sense of. But he let her keep heaving into his shirt, shooting a warning look at Harper when she came in to check on them. He could hear everyone else in the other room discussing the potential agreement with the Eligius group, gritting his teeth as Murphy started arguing about how they couldn’t trust these people.

He wasn’t wrong, of course. But it really didn’t matter if they trusted them. It was their only choice.

“Why would they help us?” Clarke finally whispered, pulling back as she wiped away her tears… apparently overhearing the discussion happening in the other room too.

“I don’t know, but they seem interested in helping us… which is suspicious,” Bellamy sighed, leaning back against the wall.

“They want something,” Clarke said, taking the thoughts right out of his head. “It might not necessarily be a bad thing.”

“One of their men shot you, Clarke,” he reminded, and her face went pale. “I don’t exactly trust that what they want could be a good thing.”

“But they’re our only shot at opening the bunker,” Clarke put it together, massaging her temples with her fingers. Bellamy nodded, glancing back at the door. He could hear Raven and Murphy going at it, which he should have expected. Six years in space didn’t change a damn thing.

“Are you okay?” Bellamy asked, turning back to look at Clarke, whose lips were pressed together. She shook her head slowly, and Bellamy let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Clarke. I’m sorry about your dad, and I’m sorry about Wells. I never knew your dad, but I at least knew Wells… he was a good guy.”

“I’m fine,” Clarke lied, pulling back as she clenched her eyes shut. “It’s been seven years.”

“Things that happen years ago can still hurt, Clarke,” he whispered, thinking back on how just hearing Clarke’s name up in the Ring was enough to break Bellamy, even in that last year. “And you’re remembering it all over again. It can’t be easy.”

Her lips twitched as she glanced down at her hands. When she finally glanced back up at him, he could see another question on her face… but she didn’t speak.

“Clarke, you can ask me anything,” he reassured, and she narrowed her eyes at him, almost studying him to make sure he meant that.

“What I remembered today… that wasn’t the worst of it, was it?” she asked, and Bellamy clenched his jaw. His mind flashed back to Clarke having to close the Dropship door, to Clarke killing Atom, to Mt. Weather, to the City of Light… to Bellamy leaving her behind to die.

“No, it’s not,” he confessed, clenching his eyes shut.

“Bellamy,” Clarke whispered softly, and he glanced back at her pleading eyes.

“Yeah, princess?” A small smile formed on Clarke’s lips and his heart skipped a beat at the sight. At least she remembered that.

“Do you think you could tell me about some of them? Madi has told me some of the stories, but I don’t feel like she has all the facts,” Clarke explained, as he pressed his lips together. She was right. Madi had the watered-down version of what it was like those first days on the ground… which is probably why Madi talking to Clarke wasn’t helping her remember things from before Praimfaya. “You don’t have to,” Clarke added in, likely sensing his hesitation.

“No, I will,” he decided, although this was going to hurt. “Let’s start with the day we crashed onto earth,” he sighed.

 

In the end, the Eligius crew helped them remove the rubble from the bunker… and everyone practically poured out. And the first face he saw was Octavia’s.

He took off sprinting toward her, and she did the same thing as soon as she saw him.

“Took you long enough,” she huffed as he wrapped her up into a tight hug.

“Missed you too, O,” he replied, burying his face into her shoulder.

By the time he pulled away, he noticed how skinny she had gotten… but he should have expected that with the kind of rationing they likely had to do inside that bunker. Then, Octavia’s eyes shifted over to where the Eligius crew were waiting, before she glanced back at Bellamy in confusion.

“It’s a long story. We need to gather all the leaders together to discuss what to do about them,” Bellamy said carefully, and Octavia let out a breath.

All around them, people were moving frantically out of the bunker, excited to be back on the ground for the first time in six years. Bellamy could make out Kane in the crowd, who was practically sprinting over toward where Raven and Murphy were standing. Bellamy scanned the area, looking for Abby.

“Hey, Octavia,” Harper said, and Octavia pulled her in for a tight hug.

“Hey, I’m glad you guys are all okay,” Octavia whispered. “Wait, where’s Clarke?”

Bellamy glanced behind him, seeing Clarke hanging back with Madi. It was probably a little overwhelming for her to see all these people, and he could see her struggling to place Kane as he talked to Murphy and Raven quickly.

“She’s over there, but she isn’t going to recognize you,” Harper explained, and Octavia’s eyes narrowed at Bellamy, waiting for an explanation.

“She hit her head and lost her memories, O,” he explained, and Octavia’s face faltered. “Right now, she is starting to remember the early Dropship days,” he added in, remembering vividly when Clarke remembered taking the knife from Bellamy when he couldn’t help Atom.

Then, he caught a glimpse of Abby Griffin running through the crowd. But Kane stopped her before she got to Clarke, and Bellamy saw how her face fell as Kane likely explained what was happening with Clarke.

 

“Yes, that hurts,” Clarke groaned as Abby put pressure just above the bullet wound.

“Well, it wouldn’t have hurt this badly by now if you had been taking better care of it,” Abby sighed, before reaching back to grab another bandage.

“In my defense, I don’t _remember_ a lot about bullet wound care,” Clarke retorted, and Bellamy had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

It had been hours since the bunker door opened, and everyone started to set up camp. Abby hadn’t left Clarke’s side once, of course… although he could see how much it was hurting her that Clarke barely recognized her.

“And how did you even get shot, Clarke?” Abby huffed, and Clarke’s gaze shot up to Bellamy with the same question in her eyes. Right, she didn’t remember that either. “You guys were back on the ground for maybe five minutes and you immediately get shot?” she groaned, and Bellamy’s stomach dropped. That’s right. Abby wouldn’t have known that Clarke didn’t make it up to space with them.

“I didn’t leave the ground, right?” Clarke confirmed, and Bellamy nodded slowly, feeling Abby’s intense gaze in his direction.

“Clarke ended up in Becca’s lab,” Bellamy explained carefully, remembering that Clarke likely wasn’t ready to hear about what happened that day. He shot Abby a warning look, pleading with her not to press forward anymore while Clarke was still in earshot.

Abby bit her lip, refocusing her attention to dressing Clarke’s wound… but he could see that she was trying to make sense of what they were telling her. She dismissed Clarke, and Clarke seemed relieved to get to leave and be around the people she was more familiar with.

“She didn’t make it back in time,” Bellamy whispered, clenching his eyes shut as soon as Clarke was out of earshot. “If we waited even a moment longer for her, we might have missed the window and we all would have died.”

“Bellamy, look at me,” Abby ordered, and Bellamy fluttered his eyes open, bracing himself for whatever wrath awaited him. But Abby’s eyes softened as she patted his shoulder. “She’s alive. That’s all that matters.”

His eyes shifted downward, clenching his fists at his sides. “I left her behind,” Bellamy muttered. And one of these days, he was going to have to explain that fact to Clarke.

“And she found a way to survive. So, don’t start blaming yourself because nothing happened to her,” Abby replied.

 

He hardly saw Clarke over the next several days. There was too much work to do around camp, there was food to scavenge for, there was peace that needed to be negotiated between various bunker factions… which didn’t leave a lot of time to sit back and relax.

And maybe he was avoiding her a little bit. He had to explain to too many people why Clarke didn’t end up in space with them, and was dreading the moment that Clarke asked him why. It was hard enough telling her about Mt. Weather, watching pieces of those memories sink in for Clarke. But he wasn’t sure he could survive seeing her face as he told her that he left her behind.

He shouldn’t have been surprised when she followed him as he started his watch shift.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked, and he turned around seeing a concerned scowl on her face.

“Of course,” he lied, and she walked up to him. “You’re supposed to be asleep.”

“I was tossing and turning. Didn’t want to wake up Madi,” Clarke replied, and Bellamy sucked in a breath. “I haven’t seen you much lately.”

“Well, we did just get the bunker open. There’s a lot to do,” Bellamy explained, but he could tell that Clarke wasn’t buying it.

“I know, it’s just…” Clarke sighed, looking down at her own feet. “I’ve missed you, okay?” And whatever guilt Bellamy was already feeling tripled as he watched her somber eyes glance back up at him. “I’ll let you get back to keeping watch,” Clarke muttered as she tried to turn around, but Bellamy grabbed her wrist, tugging her back.

“Hey, stay for a minute,” he whispered, and her brows furrowed up with him. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around,” he apologized, and Clarke let out a breath.

“Is it really just because you’re so busy or was it something I—”

“Clarke,” he interrupted, and her eyes flickered up to his nervously. “It’s nothing you did,” he explained, but the question was still in her eyes. “It’s hard to explain,” he sighed.

“Will you try?” Clarke pleaded, and he clenched his eyes shut. He should just tell her and get it over with. It was only a matter of time before she remembered on her own and he was forced to have this conversation with her.

“It’s about how you ended up on earth when the rest of us went up to the Ring,” Bellamy whispered, and Clarke’s head cocked to the side. “We… I left you behind.”

“Bellamy,” Clarke said cautiously, stepping toward him.

“You ended up going to the satellite alone while I helped get Monty. You were supposed to make it back to the lab on time,” he said, brushing his fingers through his hair as he looked up at the sky. “All of us were supposed to make it up to the Ring,” he explained, as he felt his eyes well up with tears. “But we didn’t have time to wait, and I had to shut the door. I left you behind.”

“Bell,” she whispered with a softness in her voice that he didn’t deserve. He clenched his eyes shut, ducking his head quickly… only to feel Clarke’s hands grab his hands. “It had to be done,” she murmured.

His head shot up as he opened his eyes to look at her. Her eyes were full of tears too as she offered him a weak, pleading smile. “I left you,” he reminded her because she shouldn’t be looking at him like that. She shouldn’t be offering him forgiveness like this again. _He left her_. “You could have died,” he explained, but her face didn’t falter. “I thought you were dead for six years. Because of me, you spent two years completely alone before you found Madi.”

“And I’m okay,” Clarke retorted.

“I’m not,” Bellamy confessed, and Clarke’s face fell as she stepped closer to him. “You were dead for six whole years _because_ of me. And I find out you’re alive only for you to not even remember me.”

“I remember you,” Clarke said as her eyes widened, her face now inches away from his as she pleaded with him.

“You’re only starting to remember me,” he whispered.

“I remember that you didn’t let me pull that lever alone,” Clarke argued, and Bellamy’s eyes widened. “I remember how much I missed you after I left Arkadia. I remember how you tried to save me when Roan kidnapped me. I remember how you still protected me even when you were pissed at me,” she listed off, and Bellamy brushed a tear off her cheek. “Maybe I don’t remember every little thing yet. But I remember _you_.”

“You remember me,” he confirmed, and Clarke offered him another weak smile.

“I remember that you’re grouchy when someone wakes you up. I remember that you have a bit of a temper,” Clarke smirked.

“I do not,” he huffed.

“I remember that you’re stubborn,” Clarke added in, raising an eyebrow at him, and he couldn’t help but smirk. “I remember the way you inspire people. I remember that you have a soft spot for kids.”

“Okay, you remember me,” Bellamy gave in, relaxing his shoulders a bit. Clarke remembered him… maybe not everything just yet, but enough.

“I remember that I love you,” she confessed, and his eyes shot up to hers. Her blue eyes were pleading with him, waiting for his reaction… but he couldn’t think of a single word to offer her.

For six years, he cursed himself for never telling Clarke how he felt about her. It kept him up at night, drove him to panic attacks… because to him, Clarke died without knowing how he felt. And he was never going to know how she felt either. He was looking at a lifetime of wondering if she loved him too.

And now… he _knew_. There wasn’t a word in any language that could describe the warmth he felt in his chest or that could capture the way he would play this moment over and over again in his head for the rest of his life.

He acted without thinking, terrified that he would talk himself out of it. So, he crashed his lips into hers, cupping her face between his hands. For years, he had dreamt of her lips in the little sleep he had gotten, had wondered how it would feel to have her kiss him back, had imagined the softness pressed up against his own lips…

For years, he had no idea that just one taste of her on his lips would be enough to make the rest of the universe stand still.

When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against hers as his arm wrapped around her waist. “I love you, Clarke,” he whispered.

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the angst! Come yell at me on tumblr and/or twitter; I'm asroarke there too.


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